So I fall painfully into the category of a nice guy who never seems to pull it off with the ladies. I feel all the typical frustration that you might expect with this. Such as, I go to seemingly more effort to attract women, but don’t see any results. There are many things I could say about just how frustrating it is, but why risk coming off like a sour grape?
I just wanted to explore why I am like this. I’m not saying this is the reason why every ‘nice guy’ is the way they are, but after a lot of frustration I have come to an insight that makes sense for me. Hopefully this can shed some light into the world of the nice guy for women out there, maybe you can learn to see the reasons why we are the way we are, that aren’t always because we are desperate…
So a little bit of background. My dad was abusive to my mum. Without going into too much detail, he physically and mentally broke her down over many years. Seeing the pain he caused her had an effect on me. I said to myself “I’m not going to be like that”. Makes sense right? Why would I want to grow up and be the sort of man that physically hurts women? So growing up I become very conscientious and sensitive, especially to the needs of women. Potentially too much, in response to all this abuse I witnessed as a kid.
So now as a young adult, every time I’m faced with the task of simply talking to a girl, I am constantly trying to be too sensitive to her needs, which comes off as way too intense. I’m replaying those moments of abuse as a sort of guiding mechanism of how NOT to be. It’s like I’m saying, ” Don’t worry, I know what guys are like, but I’m not one of them”. Which is meant with the best intentions, but gives of the wrong kind of vibe – and ultimately leaves me unable to connect. Maybe another reason I struggle to attract women, or simply talk confidently and naturally is that I’m assuming too much responsibility over them, far too soon. It’s kind of funny to imagine this, and it might seem blatantly obvious to read – but it’s taken being locked into this psychological pattern for a while to see clearly the source of the problem.
I’m not saying that I’m better than other guys because I care more about your needs. It hurts to admit, because I do care – I would never treat any woman the way my dad treated my mum. But how to not let that sensitivity go too far? I’m not sure. What does it look like to care and not assume too much responsibility right away? I don’t know.
This is not a defeatist moment, though. I feel as I grasp the source of the pattern, I am somehow liberated from it, even if only a little.
A quiet triumph for the nice guy.